potlatch

noun. a ceremony at which gifts are bestowed on the guests in a show of wealth that the guests later attempt to surpass

at the inspiration table...does that make me desperate?

im currently begging for his attention while

            while trying to look as important as  i can

i think this one might be a lost cause.

im getting lightheaded just glancing at him,

stealing glances of him

the screwtape letters my tylenol. the ambition my aleve.

the heroine of every book. the champion of every battle.

the spaces between the lines, the letters. the emptiness of them, 

short but frequent. give me a migraine.

should i leave?  

how can i even hesitate when the answer's so obvious. 

only i make my way to the self-help section.

and look through the crevices between the workings of the brain

if you have to cry go outside

the pillars of destiny

so long insecurity

and 101 highly motivated individuals

waiting for him to look at me. to notice im here waiting for him to look at me. 

there's nothing i can do. ive let myself let the reality set in. (hope is so hollow).

he is so engulfed in his book, he wouldnt notice if the lights went off.

or if i left. 

so i'll leave. 

on my way out atleast i can take something with me. a book for sale. i love books  on sale.

the edge of heartbreak. 

i dont need a bag

just a receipt.

1985nectar loves a good book.