soiled contradictions

"man will be blotted out, the blithe earth die, the brave sun

Die blind and blacken to the heart:

Yet stones have stood for a thousand years, and pained thoughts

found

The honey of peace in old poems."

- Robertson Jeffers (1887-1962)

i remember writing the letters, the last summer.

nothing worth reading.

the pain and the tears burned away

the pieces scattered out the window, like ashes

at a burial. it wasnt real then.

this time it was suicide.

i can smell the blood

we can't heal the wounds

nothing worth remembering.

choking on words, on tears

nothing worth reviving.

i wanted to be fearless

boundless

but im full of fear

limited

on the other side of death

waiting to wake up

for you to whisper in my ear,

it was just a bad dream

it doesnt have to end like this

you started it.

can you make it stop?

my suicide

no one can help me but myself.

blithe

adjective/ joyous or merry in disposition; without thought or regard; carefree; heedless


how wonderfully congruent. i wish i could insert a personal smile and wink because i would. lovely that all my fam is finally bak home after a lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng summer (long days and longer nights). finally feelin real happy, real blessed. [deep content sigh]

i wish i could feel like this all the time. seriously.

move out day approaching rapidly and im getting ridiculously excited. tonight was gonna be my entry about the B.o.B concert at center stage in atl (with pics). but yea :/

couple of random things though (in no particular order)


do not torture yourself with thoughts of people who are not worth your time.you always know. go with your first instinct. family first. cee lo's mixtape stray bullets. apple butter with a bestie. drake documentary. old spice commercials. 5 hours of reminiscing about old school rap/r&b videos - i.e ginuwine brandy dmx juvenile drag'on nas etc. cant fall for sweet potato pancakes. year long relationship abstinence. God as primary focus. new york in less than three weeks. beyonce why dont you love me. daddy's home. dont send that vulnerable ass text - it will NOT affect the unaffected. dont confess your love to someone who doesnt know how to love you back. B.o.B v bobby ray. satellite. THINK before all actions. reason before emotions. its okay to be by yourself all day.

and i still have to go to church tomorrow.


random thought: im ready to create something. i feel some creativity building in my chest.


thats all for now, although this doesnt make any sense AT ALL.

im pretty sure i actually had the best pancakes of my life yesterday. at the highland bakery in atlanta. sweet potato pancakes with carmelized syrup and pecans sprinkles on top. also had some good company :)

the rest of my day was good too. but the pancakes definitely stole the show...im already tryin to plan when to go back and get some b4 i leave!

later gators

nitid

adjective/ bright; lustrous

new wave of positivity after a draining week. these days be long yessuh. helps to have some family around and some good music                      and good videos

story of my life \below/...

Cee-lo "No one's gonna love you" from Starr Whitesides on Vimeo.

UP THERE from Jon on Vimeo.

inspiration above. 

and for kicks 

The Cool Kids - "Delivery Man" from GreenLabelSound on Vimeo.

heard this song on the radio and remembered why i love mister cole.

J. Cole - Who Dat (Directed by BBGUN) from bbgun on Vimeo.

and an old memory to say goodnight...

potlatch

noun. a ceremony at which gifts are bestowed on the guests in a show of wealth that the guests later attempt to surpass

at the inspiration table...does that make me desperate?

im currently begging for his attention while

            while trying to look as important as  i can

i think this one might be a lost cause.

im getting lightheaded just glancing at him,

stealing glances of him

the screwtape letters my tylenol. the ambition my aleve.

the heroine of every book. the champion of every battle.

the spaces between the lines, the letters. the emptiness of them, 

short but frequent. give me a migraine.

should i leave?  

how can i even hesitate when the answer's so obvious. 

only i make my way to the self-help section.

and look through the crevices between the workings of the brain

if you have to cry go outside

the pillars of destiny

so long insecurity

and 101 highly motivated individuals

waiting for him to look at me. to notice im here waiting for him to look at me. 

there's nothing i can do. ive let myself let the reality set in. (hope is so hollow).

he is so engulfed in his book, he wouldnt notice if the lights went off.

or if i left. 

so i'll leave. 

on my way out atleast i can take something with me. a book for sale. i love books  on sale.

the edge of heartbreak. 

i dont need a bag

just a receipt.

1985nectar loves a good book.

don

verb. to put on or dress in

well since its been a couple days thought id bless u guys with a sneak peak of my upcoming project (to be revealed upon completion). plus i cant sleep...u kno how that goes...

all items for sale :)

fulgurate

verb. to flash or dart like lightning

last night was an emotional doozie but today will be better (i had a good breakfast). ill post some pics later. 

morganatic

adjective. of or pertaining to a form of marriage in which a person of high rank, as a member of the nobility, marries someone of lower station with the stipulation that neither the low-ranking spouse nor their children, if any, will have any claim to the titles or entailed property of the high-ranking partner. 

today is picture day. not like in elementary school - no. im having my own mini photo shoot today. rather excited about it - mostly because today is a huge part of the inception phase of my side project - v&f vintage. get ready for some awesomeness.  

and of course every artists needs some theme music. today 1985nectar grabs some inspiration from the Raconteurs. see below for tracklist (press play & enjoy)

occlude

verb. to shut in, out, or off

too tired to fight it

sick from the waiting

 heart so loud these nights

drugged with the memories

so high i cant sleep

take turns, immaturity panic perfection

forcibly awakened by reality.

mango's and milk

one evenin' :feist 

at last the secret is out : carla bruni

this is not a love song : nouvelle vague

windsurfing nation: broken social scene

lots of green today. more color tomorrow?

night night.

impedimenta

noun. baggage or other things that retard one's progress

so i borrowed a camera from a friend (beckham -the name of the camera) today and ive already taken some pictures with Beckham that i want to share. more to come mosdef. but ill have to scurry off to work in a lil bit.

philogyny

noun. love of or liking for women (opposite of misogyny)

bad

idea.

you make me smile with my heart

from the start, except when you fart

for a while ive been diggin your style

and im figurin with you by my side

i can reside in happiness. 

your personality's fingerprint reminds me

makes me think of a song-

if loving you is wrong, then its a sin

and repentence i should repeat for the

life of my sentence. i mean it so perhaps 

i should exclaim it with exclamation

marks, but not those in the toilet

because you are the sheet, but you remain

sh!tless even when wiped with my 

extended runs of nosiness and snotty attitudes

at times...square root of what im trying to say is

i love you.

i digress

too 

bad 

i 

believed 

it.  

i 

almost 

feel

like 

the 

child

whose

parents 

get 

divorced.

i 

want 

to 

blame

myself.

but 

when

someone

falls 

out 

of 

love 

with 

someone,

is 

any one

person 

to blame?

for general amusement

this is hilarious...oh and i cant sleep. 

thank you kanye lmao.

hip hop instructional

u can thank me now

so...word of the day is not really paralleling my life right now. (i mean - acedia: sloth; laziness or indifference to religious matters -really?? i cant do anything with that) so ive come up with something to share, consequently it comes in the form of a list (for simplicity & easy reading :)

THINGS TO DO WHEN THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE LEAVES YOU UNEXPECTEDLY

1. meet up with your girlfriends regularly

(make sure to tell them you are fine so that they treat you as such and dont pity you) 

2. eat sushi & make sure to savor  it

3. paint some pottery 

4. designate some time to be miserable (but after that 1hr or so its time to be productive)

4.5 listen to some french music - might help bring the tears ;o)

               

5. email your future NY roomie!

6. workout/yoga class/belly-dancing/ab blast/walk with your mom exercise

7. take a different route to work or home. appreciate where your life is now.

*at this point in the week you are at your 115% and feeling highly motivated

8. begin writing your business plan and actually following through

8.5 find some great fashion blogs TheMadburyClub Pike/Pine The Satorialist streetpeeper

9. have happy hour drinks and pizza with the guys (most hilarious 4 hrs of your week and you will realize that ALL men are not assholes that just cut you off and stop loving you)

10. really take some time out for yourself, a quiet time to listen to the thoughts youve been ignoring/advoiding to meditate and pray

11. listen to some drake and john mayer (they really know how to capture every emotion)

12. go out with your girls. disclaimer: this may include but is not limited to laughing excessively, dancing on table tops, running into chill law school guys that you met earlier in the week and having great conversation, dancing with a charming sri lankan man to indian music all night, meeting sexy scottish men here on business, and/or having one too many drinks and eating the best pancake and egg breakfast you've ever had.

(not quite this much fun lol)

13. recovery

14. enjoy the city. oh and pick up your pottery!

15. realize how great your life is, how much you have to look forward to, and be thankful that all the people in your life are positive, stimulating, and really appreciate you for who you are and what you're becoming. (special thanks to 'kenna. guzi. beans. moms. nikki. carmel. nina. demarco. devan p. kristina & colby - love ya'll)

-1985nectar "i dont get bitter i jus get better"

hunky dory

about as well as one could wish or expect; satisfactory; fine; OK


its like the difference between the real truth and the fake truth. when someone tells you that everything in their life is "fine," do you believe them? kinda seems like theyre hiding something. in the past, i did my fair of pretending. pretending i fit in here or there, pretending i was good at chemistry, pretending that i knew about politics or music or fashion, pretending i wanted to hang out when i really wanted to be alone, pretending to study, pretending to be cool when im actually a nerd, pretending like i cared what someone was saying when actually i didnt give one shit. unfortunately, i lost my train of thought. i think i answered how are you doing with "im fine" too many times, to too many friends and waaaay too many family members.

at some point i realized that i was pretending. and that i was pretending because i didnt like the truth. i dont like confrontation or confrontation of the truth.

its kinda like when you have that friend, or that brother/sister/mom/dad/aunt/cousin who will always tells you the truth...so you tend to avoid them, or tell them half truths because you fear them telling you something that a.) you've already realized is true and/or b.) you dont wanna hear -- actually maybe those are one option.

maybe this makes no sense.

but seriously what if we all told the truth...ALL THE TIME? (did anyone jus get depressed??)

i am so much a "yes" person, that the idea of always being honest to everyone and especially to myself is depressing. thats so sick. revolting actually.

Yes, i'll accompany you.

Yes, i'll lend you some money.

Yes, you can borrow my shoes, mess them up and never give them back (college roomie).

Yes, you can break my heart.

Yes, i'll do this whole project by myself because you are no good.

Yes, i'll accept that you only put 14% effort into our friendship while im giving all i got.

Yes, i'll pay for your dinner.

Yes, i'll pick up your laundry.

Yes, i'll settle for mediocracy and status quo.

Yes, i'll go to med school for you.

Yes, i'll do a favor for you even though you barely return my cries for help.

Yes, i'll keep you around even though all you offer is negativity and impatience.

Yes, i'll fake laugh at all your lame jokes.

Yes, i'll let you undercut me with sarcastic jokes.

Yes, i'll try to understand you and see your side even though you brick-wall everything i say.

Sure, i'll suppress my true self because we wouldnt get along if i didn't.




fuck that. enough is enough. from here on out im boycotting (that, my friends, should be the wotd) pretending, white lies, loss of self, pacifying others and ignoring personal wants and needs, complacency, submission, ignorance, rejection, indecisiveness, negativity.

join me comrades! let us take the night!!


-1985nectar