Saturday, June 26, 2010

to put or hold in slavery; subjugate

i wish i had a having a mini burning party. slips of pink tissue paper with my goals, SPECIFIC goals...burned under a full moon. creepy at its worst, i kno. but but but.. yea iono hopefully its not some satanic practice lol. oh well. 

anywhoo. post-burning. 

its funny how todays w.o.t.d (word of the day) has a double meaning. like a sour patch kid, it seems to be a passionate sexy word with a positive (ehhh) meaning. but on the other side it throws a rock at ur window and cuts off your ponytail while ur sleeping (apparently in captivity - thats sick). which is kinda what ive been feeling about love lately. it seems...and im noticing more and more as i get closer to my big move-out-to-the-big-city-and-live-my-dream-that-ive-been-supressing-my destiny-that-ive-been-ignoring-and-leave-my-boyfriend-behind date gets closer and closer that somehow ive become enthralled in my relationship. im remembering myself before him and how strong and independent i was. my indecisiveness was limited to what i wanted to eat for dinner. i wasnt oversensitive and i could manage being alone by myself in a room or at night.  i dont remember feeling an achy loneliness when unnamed significant other was not present or didnt call or text or come by to seem me. i dont remember complaining as much or having to pull myself out of a slump, unless it was a bad grade in organic chemistry class. 

basically im saying maybe "love" shouldnt be enthralling? or maybe it should - just not for me. i feel like ive made myself a slave. not only to my emotions (not healthy) but to what society says a boyfriend should be/do.  we all struggle with insecurities tho right? 

i was reading this short do-dad where someone was interviewing this author, Beth Moore-  about her book, So Long, Insecurity (which i was determined to buy at books-a-million but that idea rapidly turned repulsive when i saw that it was 24 dollars - thats gas money) and she said some things that really stuck with me. why of course, ill share them with you..glad u asked!

1. "insecurity can keep us from the full enjoyment and embodiment of the satisfying, productive, liberated life that Christ offers"

2. "i'd come to such a wonderful season [in her life], yet my enjoyment of it was suddenly being drained by all sorts of fresh fears [caused by insecurity].

3. "it [insecurity] causes us to be so easily offended or to feel overlooked or minimized, yet masquerades as a friend - the part of us that's always looking out for us in every situation." 

crazy, eh? now maybe you can see where my rant is going? maybe not lol. 
 moving on. 

has this post become a tad depressing? i hope not. at my followers requests (im lying..i dont have but 1 lol.. sigh) id like to share some things that make me smile. 

1.  music 

no 1985nectar is not secretly a dj. but right now im listening to fools by temper trap and im smiling :)

2. books on sale 

its just something about a book being on sale that gets me all excited inside. i dont kno why. maybe its just a sale in general. goodwill gives me the same feeling. and thrifting. and reasonably priced vintage clothes lol. fyi books a million is having a HUGE summer sale. 

3.  italy  

(i just had this weird thought lol. who is gonna wanna read this long ass blog??! oh well )

its the trevi fountain in rome, italy. beautifully breathtaking. and this is just a picture. 

it really lights my flame to think someday in the near future i will get to explore europe and i cannot wait.

one day. :)

okay thats enough insight into my soul for one night. thanks for playing guys.

until next time. 

ur loving (but not enthralled) 1985nectar.


  1. YO! That is one of the problems with love before we are ready - or linking ourselves with someone who isn't ready for the responsibility of loving someone as a grown up. Because in a perfect world - woman (and men) should be able to be totally enthralled with the person they fall in love and be able to depend on the other person without on leaning on the other person tooo hard.
    Unfortunately other people (as depressing as it seems) can't really give us all of what we really looking for - or only temporarily. After a while it gets to be too much for any one person to hold - and they start to feel resentful.
    So we have to find our center/personhood/future/soul/completeness apart from other people first - then we can engage in relationships with God as our center column and our SigOth as the supporting arches.
    At least that's how I feel..

    Speaking of Italy - I'm with you. Also - i'll be posting soon - keep an eye out.

  2. also - just listened to Temper trap fools - and it just made me smile. Yo..wordpress and blogger need to add music as an option to their profiles.
    Also yea - i love reading long blog posts that give me insight into your thought processes.