Tuesday, September 22, 2009


noun: a person with special knowledge; a connoisseur
i havent been back here in awhile, but considering my life circumstances, i needed an outlet. everytime someone asks me how im doing...it takes me forever to come up with a response that doesnt elude to my depression, bitterness, insomnia, loneliness or discouragement. ive come up with (with help from a good friend) "im growing"... life is such a journey. and yes i consider myself very blessed to be alive, well and fighting the good fight. i just hate this limbo, the waiting.
waiting on something spectacular to happen
waiting on my dreams to realize
waiting on my hard work to pay off
waiting on my career to get rolling
and i hate to use the term 'waiting' becaue it implies that im putting forth no effort or taking no action toward these things that i want. But i am. whats so frustrating is that it seems to be a interminable process and i cant see the light at the end of the tunnel...
i cant see the future...my hope is on thin whimsical threads...i cant see 10 steps ahead of me...
but that is how life is i guess. what keeps me from slitting my wrists (i shouldnt use the phrase so loosely i know) is the fact that God knows...brings a sort of peace to it all. and if anyone, anywhere, is reading this entry (although i highly highly doubt it) i guess that is what we have to keep in mind...no matter how hard it gets, how many answers we're looking for, whether or not we are searching for purpose or for ourselves...God is there with all the answers and He's the one waiting, waiting on us to realize that we can not dream anything that is too big for Him.

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