creator of authenticity

"there's people that recreate authenticity and there's creators of authenticity. some people only have that weak will to only wanna repeat it. "

i need to SURROUND myself with inspiration. everyday im feelin the adrenaline more and more. im about to live my dream. thats sh** is wild. no more sap emoting posts. sorry guys. i got a laundry list of shit that needs to get done. and soon.

so i have officially added to my list of things to do this year:

154. take 9th wonder's class SamplingSoul at Duke University (my sister is currently enrolled @Duke)

+sometimes you have to think of the difference you're going to make before you actually make it.

funny how the simplest activities (not even having to be around people)...just soaking in life will make you put things in perspective, and help you realize that you have something you've been wishing for for so long.

BIG THINGS TO COME.

p.s: 1985nectar is now playing cee lo's mixtape 'stray bullets' -- repeated eargasms

signing off
1985nectar shawty

prognosticate

verb/ to forecast or predict (something future) from present indications or signs.

i finally got the ding.like a lightblb went off.
first in church. then in the car with my fam.
and thank Gawddddd (God -really tho.. emphasis on God)



im freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!


(i dont kno how shedding some serious baggage works but hopefully this lasts)

soiled contradictions

"man will be blotted out, the blithe earth die, the brave sun

Die blind and blacken to the heart:

Yet stones have stood for a thousand years, and pained thoughts

found

The honey of peace in old poems."

- Robertson Jeffers (1887-1962)

i remember writing the letters, the last summer.

nothing worth reading.

the pain and the tears burned away

the pieces scattered out the window, like ashes

at a burial. it wasnt real then.

this time it was suicide.

i can smell the blood

we can't heal the wounds

nothing worth remembering.

choking on words, on tears

nothing worth reviving.

i wanted to be fearless

boundless

but im full of fear

limited

on the other side of death

waiting to wake up

for you to whisper in my ear,

it was just a bad dream

it doesnt have to end like this

you started it.

can you make it stop?

my suicide

no one can help me but myself.

blithe

adjective/ joyous or merry in disposition; without thought or regard; carefree; heedless


how wonderfully congruent. i wish i could insert a personal smile and wink because i would. lovely that all my fam is finally bak home after a lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng summer (long days and longer nights). finally feelin real happy, real blessed. [deep content sigh]

i wish i could feel like this all the time. seriously.

move out day approaching rapidly and im getting ridiculously excited. tonight was gonna be my entry about the B.o.B concert at center stage in atl (with pics). but yea :/

couple of random things though (in no particular order)


do not torture yourself with thoughts of people who are not worth your time.you always know. go with your first instinct. family first. cee lo's mixtape stray bullets. apple butter with a bestie. drake documentary. old spice commercials. 5 hours of reminiscing about old school rap/r&b videos - i.e ginuwine brandy dmx juvenile drag'on nas etc. cant fall for sweet potato pancakes. year long relationship abstinence. God as primary focus. new york in less than three weeks. beyonce why dont you love me. daddy's home. dont send that vulnerable ass text - it will NOT affect the unaffected. dont confess your love to someone who doesnt know how to love you back. B.o.B v bobby ray. satellite. THINK before all actions. reason before emotions. its okay to be by yourself all day.

and i still have to go to church tomorrow.


random thought: im ready to create something. i feel some creativity building in my chest.


thats all for now, although this doesnt make any sense AT ALL.

im pretty sure i actually had the best pancakes of my life yesterday. at the highland bakery in atlanta. sweet potato pancakes with carmelized syrup and pecans sprinkles on top. also had some good company :)

the rest of my day was good too. but the pancakes definitely stole the show...im already tryin to plan when to go back and get some b4 i leave!

later gators

nitid

adjective/ bright; lustrous

new wave of positivity after a draining week. these days be long yessuh. helps to have some family around and some good music                      and good videos

story of my life \below/...

Cee-lo "No one's gonna love you" from Starr Whitesides on Vimeo.

UP THERE from Jon on Vimeo.

inspiration above. 

and for kicks 

The Cool Kids - "Delivery Man" from GreenLabelSound on Vimeo.

heard this song on the radio and remembered why i love mister cole.

J. Cole - Who Dat (Directed by BBGUN) from bbgun on Vimeo.

and an old memory to say goodnight...

potlatch

noun. a ceremony at which gifts are bestowed on the guests in a show of wealth that the guests later attempt to surpass

at the inspiration table...does that make me desperate?

im currently begging for his attention while

            while trying to look as important as  i can

i think this one might be a lost cause.

im getting lightheaded just glancing at him,

stealing glances of him

the screwtape letters my tylenol. the ambition my aleve.

the heroine of every book. the champion of every battle.

the spaces between the lines, the letters. the emptiness of them, 

short but frequent. give me a migraine.

should i leave?  

how can i even hesitate when the answer's so obvious. 

only i make my way to the self-help section.

and look through the crevices between the workings of the brain

if you have to cry go outside

the pillars of destiny

so long insecurity

and 101 highly motivated individuals

waiting for him to look at me. to notice im here waiting for him to look at me. 

there's nothing i can do. ive let myself let the reality set in. (hope is so hollow).

he is so engulfed in his book, he wouldnt notice if the lights went off.

or if i left. 

so i'll leave. 

on my way out atleast i can take something with me. a book for sale. i love books  on sale.

the edge of heartbreak. 

i dont need a bag

just a receipt.

1985nectar loves a good book.