olio

noun/a mixture of heterogeneous elements; a hodgepodge.

one of those in between moments. not quite happy...not quite sad. more of a longing.
but its very brief.
a longing to have things be as they once were (ironic because they could never be as good as they are now), so a sense of nostalgia.

"home" with all its reminders around every corner, every street and grocery store, every restaurant and parking lot (and even the town christmas lights)...when will the memories ever go away? and the hurt what about that? how come the good memories push way past the bad ones? why have those faded away?

as quickly as they come, the feelings are gone. the uncompromising reality of life waiting...waiting.


the facts alone, which i often rehearse to baffle strangers, offer some hints as to why love is a curious concept to me.

-1985nectar

fossick

verb/ to search for any object by which to make gain.


Air - Playground Love
Uploaded by carlafairy. - News videos from around the world.

i want to save you
til forever
til you scratch through to underneath layers
do i?

have you here now

mermaids princess animated
unrealities
turned salt, turned sand
grainy and grey
BLOODY
frail missteps.

MAINTENANCE.

MAINTENANCE.

frail mis-steps
Bloody
grey and grainy turned sand
to salty unrealities to mermaid princesses

have you here now
I DO..
underneath layers to scratch through
til forever

you saved me.

diaphanous

adjective/Of such fine texture as to allow light to pass through; translucent or transparent; vague, insubstancial



at your suggestion
i shall inject opinions whole or not
complete or not...

angry to guilty and back to angry to disdain
acceptance. relinquished pictures
deleted scenes
active decisions
maintenance
never liberated
when to liberate
liberate me from firm grasps,
no apologies.
no need to incorporate the functionality of sybioticism and moralistic behaviors of
higher living
higher loving
in every conversation.
intentional pragmatic placements of we
chisel at the wall one day and bounce off the next.

what can breakthrough to heartbreak?
what can breakthrough?
what can break?

lucifugous

adjective/avoiding light


brainwashed.
cornered.
desperate disparate dissipate.

needless to say
that she need you not
not to need
needing because of need
for his need not to need her

rains.
she thinks of him
flights and falls, natural everything

it will never be anothers
eyelashes to chin chin to chest fingerprint on skin eye to lip lip to chest chest to breast palm to spine
permanently pressed sheets of memories (hands to sheets, sheets to memories)
self-cycle.

stains, him
touch, him
smells sounds sirens pounds, him
even if memory serves her wrong
(honey, knife instead of spoon to eat)
memory serves her wrong
what will ever be right?

let go
let her go

WGSN

Home WGSN

gotta be on the up and up!!

galore

adjective/ in abundance; in plentiful amounts

so im finally in new york. who's excited?? its absolutely thrilling. every second so far. i feel refreshed, extremely motivated, inspired, alive and ready to get moving on this new year. minus the 8.875% sales tax, i can honestly say i love this city so far. its been awhile since ive posted but i found a short vid today that motivated me to wanna do something so maybe it might do the same for someone else? so this guy, a D.C native, is about my age and making headway. i hope that one day ill make it to the summit series (or something like it) with the business i start in the next 5 years

rhapsodize

verb/ to talk with extravagant enthusiasm

so i cant even say we can call it a countdown anymore, im leaving to nyc the day after tomorrow. and although it doesnt feel real...my heart feels it everyday more and more. its about to explode. im ready to be inspired, to be creative, to meet new people and soak up everything [positive] so i can get on my grizzle and jump into this field.

i was looking thru some internships and found a tad of inspiration so im posting it now before i forget. then its back to the least exciting part of this pivotal point in my life - packing.

until
1985nectar

Kelli Mills from Stylelikeu.com from Stylelikeu on Vimeo.

Ariel Adkins for StyleLikeU.com from Stylelikeu on Vimeo.

we'z just a week away

of course i have to share...a couple days ago andre 3000 released a new single called 'i do'...ive kinda been playin it non-stop so i had to share.

http://www.mediafire.com/?j52qdy3t2x5c48t

or head to okayplayer.com for the song

one of my favorite lines: 'nothings more attractive than a heavy praying woman/....baby im here save me dont bail' - i so dig it. the lazer version...cant wait for whatever his next project is


and



a lil hometown glory for yall to enjoy




p.s this time next week ill be in nyc = !!!

creator of authenticity

"there's people that recreate authenticity and there's creators of authenticity. some people only have that weak will to only wanna repeat it. "

i need to SURROUND myself with inspiration. everyday im feelin the adrenaline more and more. im about to live my dream. thats sh** is wild. no more sap emoting posts. sorry guys. i got a laundry list of shit that needs to get done. and soon.

so i have officially added to my list of things to do this year:

154. take 9th wonder's class SamplingSoul at Duke University (my sister is currently enrolled @Duke)

+sometimes you have to think of the difference you're going to make before you actually make it.

funny how the simplest activities (not even having to be around people)...just soaking in life will make you put things in perspective, and help you realize that you have something you've been wishing for for so long.

BIG THINGS TO COME.

p.s: 1985nectar is now playing cee lo's mixtape 'stray bullets' -- repeated eargasms

signing off
1985nectar shawty

prognosticate

verb/ to forecast or predict (something future) from present indications or signs.

i finally got the ding.like a lightblb went off.
first in church. then in the car with my fam.
and thank Gawddddd (God -really tho.. emphasis on God)



im freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!


(i dont kno how shedding some serious baggage works but hopefully this lasts)

soiled contradictions

"man will be blotted out, the blithe earth die, the brave sun

Die blind and blacken to the heart:

Yet stones have stood for a thousand years, and pained thoughts

found

The honey of peace in old poems."

- Robertson Jeffers (1887-1962)

i remember writing the letters, the last summer.

nothing worth reading.

the pain and the tears burned away

the pieces scattered out the window, like ashes

at a burial. it wasnt real then.

this time it was suicide.

i can smell the blood

we can't heal the wounds

nothing worth remembering.

choking on words, on tears

nothing worth reviving.

i wanted to be fearless

boundless

but im full of fear

limited

on the other side of death

waiting to wake up

for you to whisper in my ear,

it was just a bad dream

it doesnt have to end like this

you started it.

can you make it stop?

my suicide

no one can help me but myself.

blithe

adjective/ joyous or merry in disposition; without thought or regard; carefree; heedless


how wonderfully congruent. i wish i could insert a personal smile and wink because i would. lovely that all my fam is finally bak home after a lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng summer (long days and longer nights). finally feelin real happy, real blessed. [deep content sigh]

i wish i could feel like this all the time. seriously.

move out day approaching rapidly and im getting ridiculously excited. tonight was gonna be my entry about the B.o.B concert at center stage in atl (with pics). but yea :/

couple of random things though (in no particular order)


do not torture yourself with thoughts of people who are not worth your time.you always know. go with your first instinct. family first. cee lo's mixtape stray bullets. apple butter with a bestie. drake documentary. old spice commercials. 5 hours of reminiscing about old school rap/r&b videos - i.e ginuwine brandy dmx juvenile drag'on nas etc. cant fall for sweet potato pancakes. year long relationship abstinence. God as primary focus. new york in less than three weeks. beyonce why dont you love me. daddy's home. dont send that vulnerable ass text - it will NOT affect the unaffected. dont confess your love to someone who doesnt know how to love you back. B.o.B v bobby ray. satellite. THINK before all actions. reason before emotions. its okay to be by yourself all day.

and i still have to go to church tomorrow.


random thought: im ready to create something. i feel some creativity building in my chest.


thats all for now, although this doesnt make any sense AT ALL.

im pretty sure i actually had the best pancakes of my life yesterday. at the highland bakery in atlanta. sweet potato pancakes with carmelized syrup and pecans sprinkles on top. also had some good company :)

the rest of my day was good too. but the pancakes definitely stole the show...im already tryin to plan when to go back and get some b4 i leave!

later gators

nitid

adjective/ bright; lustrous

new wave of positivity after a draining week. these days be long yessuh. helps to have some family around and some good music                      and good videos

story of my life \below/...

Cee-lo "No one's gonna love you" from Starr Whitesides on Vimeo.

UP THERE from Jon on Vimeo.

inspiration above. 

and for kicks 

The Cool Kids - "Delivery Man" from GreenLabelSound on Vimeo.

heard this song on the radio and remembered why i love mister cole.

J. Cole - Who Dat (Directed by BBGUN) from bbgun on Vimeo.

and an old memory to say goodnight...

potlatch

noun. a ceremony at which gifts are bestowed on the guests in a show of wealth that the guests later attempt to surpass

at the inspiration table...does that make me desperate?

im currently begging for his attention while

            while trying to look as important as  i can

i think this one might be a lost cause.

im getting lightheaded just glancing at him,

stealing glances of him

the screwtape letters my tylenol. the ambition my aleve.

the heroine of every book. the champion of every battle.

the spaces between the lines, the letters. the emptiness of them, 

short but frequent. give me a migraine.

should i leave?  

how can i even hesitate when the answer's so obvious. 

only i make my way to the self-help section.

and look through the crevices between the workings of the brain

if you have to cry go outside

the pillars of destiny

so long insecurity

and 101 highly motivated individuals

waiting for him to look at me. to notice im here waiting for him to look at me. 

there's nothing i can do. ive let myself let the reality set in. (hope is so hollow).

he is so engulfed in his book, he wouldnt notice if the lights went off.

or if i left. 

so i'll leave. 

on my way out atleast i can take something with me. a book for sale. i love books  on sale.

the edge of heartbreak. 

i dont need a bag

just a receipt.

1985nectar loves a good book.

don

verb. to put on or dress in

well since its been a couple days thought id bless u guys with a sneak peak of my upcoming project (to be revealed upon completion). plus i cant sleep...u kno how that goes...

all items for sale :)

fulgurate

verb. to flash or dart like lightning

last night was an emotional doozie but today will be better (i had a good breakfast). ill post some pics later. 

morganatic

adjective. of or pertaining to a form of marriage in which a person of high rank, as a member of the nobility, marries someone of lower station with the stipulation that neither the low-ranking spouse nor their children, if any, will have any claim to the titles or entailed property of the high-ranking partner. 

today is picture day. not like in elementary school - no. im having my own mini photo shoot today. rather excited about it - mostly because today is a huge part of the inception phase of my side project - v&f vintage. get ready for some awesomeness.  

and of course every artists needs some theme music. today 1985nectar grabs some inspiration from the Raconteurs. see below for tracklist (press play & enjoy)

occlude

verb. to shut in, out, or off

too tired to fight it

sick from the waiting

 heart so loud these nights

drugged with the memories

so high i cant sleep

take turns, immaturity panic perfection

forcibly awakened by reality.

mango's and milk

one evenin' :feist 

at last the secret is out : carla bruni

this is not a love song : nouvelle vague

windsurfing nation: broken social scene

lots of green today. more color tomorrow?

night night.

impedimenta

noun. baggage or other things that retard one's progress

so i borrowed a camera from a friend (beckham -the name of the camera) today and ive already taken some pictures with Beckham that i want to share. more to come mosdef. but ill have to scurry off to work in a lil bit.

philogyny

noun. love of or liking for women (opposite of misogyny)

bad

idea.

you make me smile with my heart

from the start, except when you fart

for a while ive been diggin your style

and im figurin with you by my side

i can reside in happiness. 

your personality's fingerprint reminds me

makes me think of a song-

if loving you is wrong, then its a sin

and repentence i should repeat for the

life of my sentence. i mean it so perhaps 

i should exclaim it with exclamation

marks, but not those in the toilet

because you are the sheet, but you remain

sh!tless even when wiped with my 

extended runs of nosiness and snotty attitudes

at times...square root of what im trying to say is

i love you.

i digress

too 

bad 

i 

believed 

it.  

i 

almost 

feel

like 

the 

child

whose

parents 

get 

divorced.

i 

want 

to 

blame

myself.

but 

when

someone

falls 

out 

of 

love 

with 

someone,

is 

any one

person 

to blame?

for general amusement

this is hilarious...oh and i cant sleep. 

thank you kanye lmao.

hip hop instructional

u can thank me now

so...word of the day is not really paralleling my life right now. (i mean - acedia: sloth; laziness or indifference to religious matters -really?? i cant do anything with that) so ive come up with something to share, consequently it comes in the form of a list (for simplicity & easy reading :)

THINGS TO DO WHEN THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE LEAVES YOU UNEXPECTEDLY

1. meet up with your girlfriends regularly

(make sure to tell them you are fine so that they treat you as such and dont pity you) 

2. eat sushi & make sure to savor  it

3. paint some pottery 

4. designate some time to be miserable (but after that 1hr or so its time to be productive)

4.5 listen to some french music - might help bring the tears ;o)

               

5. email your future NY roomie!

6. workout/yoga class/belly-dancing/ab blast/walk with your mom exercise

7. take a different route to work or home. appreciate where your life is now.

*at this point in the week you are at your 115% and feeling highly motivated

8. begin writing your business plan and actually following through

8.5 find some great fashion blogs TheMadburyClub Pike/Pine The Satorialist streetpeeper

9. have happy hour drinks and pizza with the guys (most hilarious 4 hrs of your week and you will realize that ALL men are not assholes that just cut you off and stop loving you)

10. really take some time out for yourself, a quiet time to listen to the thoughts youve been ignoring/advoiding to meditate and pray

11. listen to some drake and john mayer (they really know how to capture every emotion)

12. go out with your girls. disclaimer: this may include but is not limited to laughing excessively, dancing on table tops, running into chill law school guys that you met earlier in the week and having great conversation, dancing with a charming sri lankan man to indian music all night, meeting sexy scottish men here on business, and/or having one too many drinks and eating the best pancake and egg breakfast you've ever had.

(not quite this much fun lol)

13. recovery

14. enjoy the city. oh and pick up your pottery!

15. realize how great your life is, how much you have to look forward to, and be thankful that all the people in your life are positive, stimulating, and really appreciate you for who you are and what you're becoming. (special thanks to 'kenna. guzi. beans. moms. nikki. carmel. nina. demarco. devan p. kristina & colby - love ya'll)

-1985nectar "i dont get bitter i jus get better"

hunky dory

about as well as one could wish or expect; satisfactory; fine; OK


its like the difference between the real truth and the fake truth. when someone tells you that everything in their life is "fine," do you believe them? kinda seems like theyre hiding something. in the past, i did my fair of pretending. pretending i fit in here or there, pretending i was good at chemistry, pretending that i knew about politics or music or fashion, pretending i wanted to hang out when i really wanted to be alone, pretending to study, pretending to be cool when im actually a nerd, pretending like i cared what someone was saying when actually i didnt give one shit. unfortunately, i lost my train of thought. i think i answered how are you doing with "im fine" too many times, to too many friends and waaaay too many family members.

at some point i realized that i was pretending. and that i was pretending because i didnt like the truth. i dont like confrontation or confrontation of the truth.

its kinda like when you have that friend, or that brother/sister/mom/dad/aunt/cousin who will always tells you the truth...so you tend to avoid them, or tell them half truths because you fear them telling you something that a.) you've already realized is true and/or b.) you dont wanna hear -- actually maybe those are one option.

maybe this makes no sense.

but seriously what if we all told the truth...ALL THE TIME? (did anyone jus get depressed??)

i am so much a "yes" person, that the idea of always being honest to everyone and especially to myself is depressing. thats so sick. revolting actually.

Yes, i'll accompany you.

Yes, i'll lend you some money.

Yes, you can borrow my shoes, mess them up and never give them back (college roomie).

Yes, you can break my heart.

Yes, i'll do this whole project by myself because you are no good.

Yes, i'll accept that you only put 14% effort into our friendship while im giving all i got.

Yes, i'll pay for your dinner.

Yes, i'll pick up your laundry.

Yes, i'll settle for mediocracy and status quo.

Yes, i'll go to med school for you.

Yes, i'll do a favor for you even though you barely return my cries for help.

Yes, i'll keep you around even though all you offer is negativity and impatience.

Yes, i'll fake laugh at all your lame jokes.

Yes, i'll let you undercut me with sarcastic jokes.

Yes, i'll try to understand you and see your side even though you brick-wall everything i say.

Sure, i'll suppress my true self because we wouldnt get along if i didn't.




fuck that. enough is enough. from here on out im boycotting (that, my friends, should be the wotd) pretending, white lies, loss of self, pacifying others and ignoring personal wants and needs, complacency, submission, ignorance, rejection, indecisiveness, negativity.

join me comrades! let us take the night!!


-1985nectar

yaw

verb; i. to move unsteadily, weave. ii. to deviate temporarily from a straight course.

my only self-imposed question of today is why do i keep saying im gonna do something and dont? whats it gonna take..a freakin lightning bolt? there's no day that's passed that i (we) will ever get back. so stop bein a pussy (to self)

whats stopping me? (besides fear)
whats stopping you?

yen

noun; a desire or craving. 

usually, i find whats missing is the intimacy between me and my Creator. no day like the present 

The Roots - Dear God 2.0 from Deejay Vince RU on Vimeo.

-1985nectar

to put or hold in slavery; subjugate

i wish i had a camera...im having a mini burning party. slips of pink tissue paper with my goals, SPECIFIC goals...burned under a full moon. creepy at its worst, i kno. but but but.. yea iono hopefully its not some satanic practice lol. oh well. 

anywhoo. post-burning. 

its funny how todays w.o.t.d (word of the day) has a double meaning. like a sour patch kid, it seems to be a passionate sexy word with a positive (ehhh) meaning. but on the other side it throws a rock at ur window and cuts off your ponytail while ur sleeping (apparently in captivity - thats sick). which is kinda what ive been feeling about love lately. it seems...and im noticing more and more as i get closer to my big move-out-to-the-big-city-and-live-my-dream-that-ive-been-supressing-my destiny-that-ive-been-ignoring-and-leave-my-boyfriend-behind date gets closer and closer that somehow ive become enthralled in my relationship. im remembering myself before him and how strong and independent i was. my indecisiveness was limited to what i wanted to eat for dinner. i wasnt oversensitive and i could manage being alone by myself in a room or at night.  i dont remember feeling an achy loneliness when unnamed significant other was not present or didnt call or text or come by to seem me. i dont remember complaining as much or having to pull myself out of a slump, unless it was a bad grade in organic chemistry class. 

basically im saying maybe "love" shouldnt be enthralling? or maybe it should - just not for me. i feel like ive made myself a slave. not only to my emotions (not healthy) but to what society says a boyfriend should be/do.  we all struggle with insecurities tho right? 

i was reading this short do-dad where someone was interviewing this author, Beth Moore-  about her book, So Long, Insecurity (which i was determined to buy at books-a-million but that idea rapidly turned repulsive when i saw that it was 24 dollars - thats gas money) and she said some things that really stuck with me. why of course, ill share them with you..glad u asked!

1. "insecurity can keep us from the full enjoyment and embodiment of the satisfying, productive, liberated life that Christ offers"

2. "i'd come to such a wonderful season [in her life], yet my enjoyment of it was suddenly being drained by all sorts of fresh fears [caused by insecurity].

3. "it [insecurity] causes us to be so easily offended or to feel overlooked or minimized, yet masquerades as a friend - the part of us that's always looking out for us in every situation." 

crazy, eh? now maybe you can see where my rant is going? maybe not lol. 

 moving on. 

has this post become a tad depressing? i hope not. at my followers requests (im lying..i dont have but 1 lol.. sigh) id like to share some things that make me smile. 

1.  music 

no 1985nectar is not secretly a dj. but right now im listening to fools by temper trap and im smiling :)

2. books on sale 

its just something about a book being on sale that gets me all excited inside. i dont kno why. maybe its just a sale in general. goodwill gives me the same feeling. and thrifting. and reasonably priced vintage clothes lol. fyi books a million is having a HUGE summer sale. 

3.  italy  

(i just had this weird thought lol. who is gonna wanna read this long ass blog??! oh well )

its the trevi fountain in rome, italy. beautifully breathtaking. and this is just a picture. 

it really lights my flame to think someday in the near future i will get to explore europe and i cannot wait.

one day. :)

okay thats enough insight into my soul for one night. thanks for playing guys.

until next time. 

ur loving (but not enthralled) 1985nectar.

enthrall

to captivate or charm; to put or hold in slavery; subjugate


okay so its been awhileeeee right? right.

so instead of gettin right into what brings me here tonight, id like to start off on a happier note: me. i was lookin at my brother's blog and one can really get a sense of what kind of person he is and what he likes.


(random: theres a full moon at 11:30p tonight. i think you all should know..although im not sure why i think you all should know haha)


anywhooo. im thinkin its time i let you all take a little journey into the world of the mind behind 1985nectar. lets start with the name, shall we? we shall. Sooo, i came up with the name for my blog, oh i dont know, months ago as u can see. the idea behind the name may lead u to believe that im on some narcissist type action ( i actually consider myself quite a humble person, modest as well [insert kool-aid smile] --that is fond of double parentheses i mean wowie). so i thought :


me: hey self


self: yes?


me: what are we gonna call this blog? and can it not rhyme with angry or bitter....


self: yea about that..


me: so...any suggestions?


so self and me (I or whatever) brainstorm for about 2 minutes and agree that 1985nectar has some kind of sweet ass ring to it.


me: so its kind like the sweetest of 1985 . like the cream of the futha muckin crop. like the sweet cream. like the juice, the good part, the best part, when its not diluted, untouched, untainted...the life-giving drink of gods! the inside of the fruit, the sooouuul. your soul. your thoughts. you...


self: umm ...exactly. and did you know that "nectar" is derived from the Latin nectar "drink of gods," which in turn has its origins in the Greek word νέκταρ (néktar,) presumed to be a compound of the elements nek- "death" and -tar "overcoming."

me: sold.


THE END.






moving on lol.

doula

noun: woman who assists during childbirth labor and provides support to the mother, her child and the family after childbirth.


so today the word of the day falls far beyond short of anything that i came here to talk about. matter-o-fact, ladies and gentlemen (bka my sister - the only soul who reads my blog) it is completely unrelated. but what could i possibly discuss that could be related to a doula? maybe aids in africa? i digress. my word of the day theory (which is coincidently less of a theory and more of a coincidence) is that most times, 8 of 10 times i check the word of the day at dictionary.com, its almost like a horoscope. not that it predicts anything, usually jus extremely related or can be used in the the thesis line of my day or whatever issue/problem/life situation that i happen to be facing at the time. creepy i kno. (if that made any sense at all)

this post is getting a bit colloquial and i dont like it! so my enough about word-of-the-day theory on to my new theory entitled (ahem) : love is a joke.

im not speaking of religious love, like a love for God or his love for us. im not speaking of a familial love from good supportive family members and friends. im speaking of the love we chose, we label, that we base off societal beauty, rehearsed compatability, fear of lonliness, void filling, place holding, drama-abundant, deceptive, greedy, selfish, self-absorbed, unfaithful, self-hating, unpolite, vulnerable, non-recepricating, ingenuine, lust-induced, restrictive, guilt-based, UNGODLY love.

not easily translated

Maktub

♥RaK ♥ | MySpace Video

didactic

i should be accustomed to the unrest

the stinging tears. the shallow breaths

this is a different kind of heartbreak...

-1985nectar.

lost thoughts in the rain

trying to catch them with my mouth open

realizations of a dream, a future fading

what once was is now gray like storm cloud

 

can i smoke here?

 

fight the urge as loves wipes the blood from its dagger.

pain pain pain

'til my tears freeze        or melt into a bucket

        full of ice.

ice from the dimly lit machine of the 31st floor...

 

snotty nose awakenings, bad decisions

raw feelings

displeasure from raw pleasure

escape

lead the way, guide me

toward diseaster tho i jus began to heal

lack of faith...hurts to the core

must we get even?

and with no way home

no return flight

i find myself alone

   in the dimly lit corner of the odd juxtaposition between longing and loneliness.

 

is this what i prayed for, all those nights?

this what i longed for?

never-again promises made to the ice machine

   on the 31st floor.

 

thankfully i can feel the sleep coming and

the ache fading away. a sigh of relief for

the familiar numbness in my chest, all feelings

suppressed.

 

goodnight ice machine.

goodnight new york.

1985nectar strikes again. inspiration is priceless.