yen

noun; a desire or craving. 

usually, i find whats missing is the intimacy between me and my Creator. no day like the present 

The Roots - Dear God 2.0 from Deejay Vince RU on Vimeo.

-1985nectar

to put or hold in slavery; subjugate

i wish i had a camera...im having a mini burning party. slips of pink tissue paper with my goals, SPECIFIC goals...burned under a full moon. creepy at its worst, i kno. but but but.. yea iono hopefully its not some satanic practice lol. oh well. 

anywhoo. post-burning. 

its funny how todays w.o.t.d (word of the day) has a double meaning. like a sour patch kid, it seems to be a passionate sexy word with a positive (ehhh) meaning. but on the other side it throws a rock at ur window and cuts off your ponytail while ur sleeping (apparently in captivity - thats sick). which is kinda what ive been feeling about love lately. it seems...and im noticing more and more as i get closer to my big move-out-to-the-big-city-and-live-my-dream-that-ive-been-supressing-my destiny-that-ive-been-ignoring-and-leave-my-boyfriend-behind date gets closer and closer that somehow ive become enthralled in my relationship. im remembering myself before him and how strong and independent i was. my indecisiveness was limited to what i wanted to eat for dinner. i wasnt oversensitive and i could manage being alone by myself in a room or at night.  i dont remember feeling an achy loneliness when unnamed significant other was not present or didnt call or text or come by to seem me. i dont remember complaining as much or having to pull myself out of a slump, unless it was a bad grade in organic chemistry class. 

basically im saying maybe "love" shouldnt be enthralling? or maybe it should - just not for me. i feel like ive made myself a slave. not only to my emotions (not healthy) but to what society says a boyfriend should be/do.  we all struggle with insecurities tho right? 

i was reading this short do-dad where someone was interviewing this author, Beth Moore-  about her book, So Long, Insecurity (which i was determined to buy at books-a-million but that idea rapidly turned repulsive when i saw that it was 24 dollars - thats gas money) and she said some things that really stuck with me. why of course, ill share them with you..glad u asked!

1. "insecurity can keep us from the full enjoyment and embodiment of the satisfying, productive, liberated life that Christ offers"

2. "i'd come to such a wonderful season [in her life], yet my enjoyment of it was suddenly being drained by all sorts of fresh fears [caused by insecurity].

3. "it [insecurity] causes us to be so easily offended or to feel overlooked or minimized, yet masquerades as a friend - the part of us that's always looking out for us in every situation." 

crazy, eh? now maybe you can see where my rant is going? maybe not lol. 

 moving on. 

has this post become a tad depressing? i hope not. at my followers requests (im lying..i dont have but 1 lol.. sigh) id like to share some things that make me smile. 

1.  music 

no 1985nectar is not secretly a dj. but right now im listening to fools by temper trap and im smiling :)

2. books on sale 

its just something about a book being on sale that gets me all excited inside. i dont kno why. maybe its just a sale in general. goodwill gives me the same feeling. and thrifting. and reasonably priced vintage clothes lol. fyi books a million is having a HUGE summer sale. 

3.  italy  

(i just had this weird thought lol. who is gonna wanna read this long ass blog??! oh well )

its the trevi fountain in rome, italy. beautifully breathtaking. and this is just a picture. 

it really lights my flame to think someday in the near future i will get to explore europe and i cannot wait.

one day. :)

okay thats enough insight into my soul for one night. thanks for playing guys.

until next time. 

ur loving (but not enthralled) 1985nectar.

enthrall

to captivate or charm; to put or hold in slavery; subjugate


okay so its been awhileeeee right? right.

so instead of gettin right into what brings me here tonight, id like to start off on a happier note: me. i was lookin at my brother's blog and one can really get a sense of what kind of person he is and what he likes.


(random: theres a full moon at 11:30p tonight. i think you all should know..although im not sure why i think you all should know haha)


anywhooo. im thinkin its time i let you all take a little journey into the world of the mind behind 1985nectar. lets start with the name, shall we? we shall. Sooo, i came up with the name for my blog, oh i dont know, months ago as u can see. the idea behind the name may lead u to believe that im on some narcissist type action ( i actually consider myself quite a humble person, modest as well [insert kool-aid smile] --that is fond of double parentheses i mean wowie). so i thought :


me: hey self


self: yes?


me: what are we gonna call this blog? and can it not rhyme with angry or bitter....


self: yea about that..


me: so...any suggestions?


so self and me (I or whatever) brainstorm for about 2 minutes and agree that 1985nectar has some kind of sweet ass ring to it.


me: so its kind like the sweetest of 1985 . like the cream of the futha muckin crop. like the sweet cream. like the juice, the good part, the best part, when its not diluted, untouched, untainted...the life-giving drink of gods! the inside of the fruit, the sooouuul. your soul. your thoughts. you...


self: umm ...exactly. and did you know that "nectar" is derived from the Latin nectar "drink of gods," which in turn has its origins in the Greek word νέκταρ (néktar,) presumed to be a compound of the elements nek- "death" and -tar "overcoming."

me: sold.


THE END.






moving on lol.

doula

noun: woman who assists during childbirth labor and provides support to the mother, her child and the family after childbirth.


so today the word of the day falls far beyond short of anything that i came here to talk about. matter-o-fact, ladies and gentlemen (bka my sister - the only soul who reads my blog) it is completely unrelated. but what could i possibly discuss that could be related to a doula? maybe aids in africa? i digress. my word of the day theory (which is coincidently less of a theory and more of a coincidence) is that most times, 8 of 10 times i check the word of the day at dictionary.com, its almost like a horoscope. not that it predicts anything, usually jus extremely related or can be used in the the thesis line of my day or whatever issue/problem/life situation that i happen to be facing at the time. creepy i kno. (if that made any sense at all)

this post is getting a bit colloquial and i dont like it! so my enough about word-of-the-day theory on to my new theory entitled (ahem) : love is a joke.

im not speaking of religious love, like a love for God or his love for us. im not speaking of a familial love from good supportive family members and friends. im speaking of the love we chose, we label, that we base off societal beauty, rehearsed compatability, fear of lonliness, void filling, place holding, drama-abundant, deceptive, greedy, selfish, self-absorbed, unfaithful, self-hating, unpolite, vulnerable, non-recepricating, ingenuine, lust-induced, restrictive, guilt-based, UNGODLY love.

not easily translated

Maktub

♥RaK ♥ | MySpace Video

didactic

i should be accustomed to the unrest

the stinging tears. the shallow breaths

this is a different kind of heartbreak...

-1985nectar.

lost thoughts in the rain

trying to catch them with my mouth open

realizations of a dream, a future fading

what once was is now gray like storm cloud

 

can i smoke here?

 

fight the urge as loves wipes the blood from its dagger.

pain pain pain

'til my tears freeze        or melt into a bucket

        full of ice.

ice from the dimly lit machine of the 31st floor...

 

snotty nose awakenings, bad decisions

raw feelings

displeasure from raw pleasure

escape

lead the way, guide me

toward diseaster tho i jus began to heal

lack of faith...hurts to the core

must we get even?

and with no way home

no return flight

i find myself alone

   in the dimly lit corner of the odd juxtaposition between longing and loneliness.

 

is this what i prayed for, all those nights?

this what i longed for?

never-again promises made to the ice machine

   on the 31st floor.

 

thankfully i can feel the sleep coming and

the ache fading away. a sigh of relief for

the familiar numbness in my chest, all feelings

suppressed.

 

goodnight ice machine.

goodnight new york.

1985nectar strikes again. inspiration is priceless.

cognoscente

noun: a person with special knowledge; a connoisseur

i havent been back here in awhile, but considering my life circumstances, i needed an outlet. everytime someone asks me how im doing...it takes me forever to come up with a response that doesnt elude to my depression, bitterness, insomnia, loneliness or discouragement. ive come up with (with help from a good friend) "im growing"... life is such a journey. and yes i consider myself very blessed to be alive, well and fighting the good fight. i just hate this limbo, the waiting.

waiting on something spectacular to happen

waiting on my dreams to realize

waiting on my hard work to pay off

waiting on my career to get rolling

and i hate to use the term 'waiting' becaue it implies that im putting forth no effort or taking no action toward these things that i want. But i am. whats so frustrating is that it seems to be a interminable process and i cant see the light at the end of the tunnel...

i cant see the future...my hope is on thin whimsical threads...i cant see 10 steps ahead of me...

but that is how life is i guess. what keeps me from slitting my wrists (i shouldnt use the phrase so loosely i know) is the fact that God knows...brings a sort of peace to it all. and if anyone, anywhere, is reading this entry (although i highly highly doubt it) i guess that is what we have to keep in mind...no matter how hard it gets, how many answers we're looking for, whether or not we are searching for purpose or for ourselves...God is there with all the answers and He's the one waiting, waiting on us to realize that we can not dream anything that is too big for Him.